For most of my Christian walk, if you were to ask me, "Do you trust God?" I would have whole-heartedly answered, "Yes, of course I do!" And I wouldn't have been intentionally trying to deceive you in any way. But as I look back at my steps of years past, really even months past, I begin to see gaping holes in the confidence I once believed to have held.
The deadline for raising my budget is fast-approaching. And there are daily reminders of how far I have to go. Just when I think I have my heart set in the peace that God is in control of this, I crunch the numbers or receive a budget update email and I come face-to-face with my insecurities and doubts all over again.
Today, as I had one of those moments, I went back to the things I'm holding onto:
1. This is God's story
2. He is the one who has called me, and it is up to HIM to make that a reality
3. I am doing my part. I am doing what I know to do. The rest is His
4. He has commanded me, repeatedly, to cease in my doubt about this journey
Just as soon as I finished reciting these to myself, a new question popped into my head: "When all of these things are said and done, do you choose to trust God or not?"
Trusting God is more than repeating things that are SUPPOSED to be true. Or talking myself into thinking they sound really good and appealing in the moment. Trusting is an act of my will, a sacrifice of my own self, and a CHOICE I get to make each time it is called into question.
Indeed, trusting God is a journey in and of itself. He is continually calling me to a greater place of faith in Him. And each step is a little bit harder and a little bit more difficult to walk into than the last. But there inlies the beauty-Down this path I am going deeper and deeper in my understanding and relationship with my Father. And I believe He delights in my discovery of Him and His faithfulness; rejoices when I decide to come a little closer and let go of a bit more.
For I know that there is magnificent freedom in trusting in the Lord-freedom for me to give Him my life, and freedom for Him take my life and use it for His glory.