I was sorting and cleaning today...and began tearing up over candle holders. I don't know what it was about that shelf, but taking down my decor and packing it away in it's box to be sold had so much weightiness to it. The process of moving is never a fun one, but I'm surprised at the emotional gravity I'm experiencing in it.
And yet...about an hour later I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and saw a picture posted by some fellow missionary friends of mine in Cape Town, and suddenly the tears were on my cheek yet again-only this time because my heart was longing so badly to be there myself.
I call this this place of divided heart, "The In-Between."
I find myself looking one way and feeling a little sad about the people and memories and experiences I'm leaving behind as I'm being catapulted towards this next season of life. I want to not have to say goodbye to those I love or cry hot tears as I hug them one last time. I want to steady the boat that's beginning to tip, to feel "at home" a few times more, to hold on just a little longer.
And then I look the other way and am filled with joy and excitement for what lies ahead and feel like I can't get on that plane fast enough. I want to race past all the moments and challenges in this season and get started in the new adventure God is sending me on. New people, new place, new lifestyle, new ministry, new calling...a fresh start with endless possibilities which beckons me to come flying into it's arms.
This tug-of-war of my heart in The In-Between is so strong, I nearly feel like two different people sometimes, and the instability of it all threatens to shake me deep within my core.
Then God reminds me. He reminds me that this is HIS story; One He's written with His own precise rhythm and meter. There is purpose in this process-the process of letting one season die so another can be born. The In-Between is not to be held onto, nor rushed past, but walked out with eyes constantly fixed on Him, knowing HE is my rock, my home, my calling, and my purpose.